


Without You

by rebeccabethstilinski



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alludes to major character death, Angst, Hurt, M/M, Not Beta Read, References to Suicide, Sadness, Unhappy Ending, sad fic, short fic, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-30
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-29 10:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/686010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebeccabethstilinski/pseuds/rebeccabethstilinski
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The loss of your nose scrunching up when you woke up in the mornings, the loss of your stubble leaving angry red marks everywhere, the loss of your arm around my waist. The loss of you is the worst part though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Derek,

                  I'm not even sure why I'm writing this. I mean, I've left letters for Scott and my dad, so I suppose it only seemed right to leave one for you. The three most important people in my life. But you'll probably never read this, so it's just a waste of paper and minutes. It's weird, I just kind of assumed that when you left, everything would stop. I thought the world would just stop, even for a minute, a second. You left. You left me. You said "I can't, I'm leaving." and then you left.

That was two months ago, but it feels like a lifetime. Losing someone sucks, but the gradual loss of losing the little things you never thought about is the truly heartbreaking part. The loss of you pinning me against walls, first in anger, then in passion. The loss of your stupidly soft hair making my face itch when you would kiss my neck, when I wouldn't speak to you and you just knew exactly what to do. The loss of your nose scrunching up when you woke up in the mornings, the loss of your stubble leaving angry red marks everywhere, the loss of your arm around my waist. The loss of you is the worst part though.

Without you, the world goes on. I didn't expect it to. When you left, it was winter, mid-December. I expected it to stay cold forever. But the ground thawed. And it rained. And the grass started growing again, the flowers started blooming and then it was Spring suddenly. You were still gone.

The pack ventured out more, to the movies, bowling, camping. You called them from wherever the hell you are, you kept in touch, reminded them they still had an Alpha. Isaac and Danny fell in love, you know. You probably know. Isaac tried to write poetry once, about Danny. They're so in love it makes my heart ache. I don't really see them anymore, the pack. Last time, we went to the park and the sun was burning. It was Summer. I hadn't noticed. You were still gone.

Sometimes I'm half asleep and reach out with both hands, trying to find you in the dark. It still guts me every time when you're not there. I listen for your voice everywhere I go, like it's a reflex. I know my heart is still in my chest, but it feels like you ripped it out and took it with you, the day you left. I still see and walk and breathe and think and cry. God. I cry and I expect you to be there, to wipe my eyes and tell me you love me and you're just not. You're not there. You're still gone.

I'm not stupid. I know, someday, you'll come back to Beacon Hills. It was your home first, after all. Your pack is here. I also know that I won't be there. I don't know, maybe you'll drive up to your big house in your fancy Camaro (which will always be the car I had my first kiss in) and the pack will be there, of course, welcoming you home. Maybe you'll ask Scott where I am, how I've been. And maybe he'll look at you and you'll notice his red eyes. And maybe he'll say "Derek..." and maybe you'll know. Maybe. I never thought we'd be maybe. I thought we'd be always. You promised me always. So now I'll promise you.

I will love you always.

Stiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED  
> One minute I was listening to "Without You" from Rent!, the next this fic was just sitting there.  
> All I know is, I made myself cry. That has never happened before.  
> Leave comments/feedback/kudos, tell me you hate me.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Stiles,

I can't believe you're gone. I can't believe you'd do this to your dad, to Scott, to the pack. To me. But I guess I don't have any right to be pissed at you. I left you first. I can't believe it. I won't. I never will.

I should have told you why I was leaving. That it was for your own good, because another pack found out about you, about us. They found out that the Beacon Hills pack Alpha was in love with a human and they decided that you were the only way to get to me. And you are too important for me to risk that. Were. You _were_ too important. God.  
  
I'm not good at this. I'm not good with words the way you are. I read your letter, the one you left to me. Stiles, everything I did, everything I do, everything I think, is about you. You are everything. You will always be everything. You would laugh at me - _"I had no idea you were so sentimental, Sourwolf!"_ \- but I made a list. Every day I was apart from you, every day I didn't get to see you, I would add one thing I love about you. One thing I miss. Some days were so dark without you, I would sit for hours and list every little thing. Now, every day is dark. But I will never run out of things to add. 

You were wrong about how I would find out, though. You thought I'd come back and someone would tell me that you were gone. But I felt it, Stiles. I felt it like someone had reached into my chest and tore my heart out. I couldn't breathe. I still can't breathe. You're gone. You're never coming back to me, and I'll have to live every day knowing it was me, it was my fault, my fault you thought I didn't love you. I'll never get to see your face at Scott and Allison's wedding, or when they tell you they want you to be Godfather. I'll never get to hold you against my chest, to feel your heartbeat pounding. To hear you whisper "I love you" one more time. 

I promised you always, Stiles. You are my always. My forever.

I will be in love with you always.

Derek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sequel by popular demand  
> hopefully this appeases your hatred of me, I am so sorry  
> leave feedback, tell me you hate me!

**Author's Note:**

> if anybody want to beta my work I'd really appreciate it!  
> email me at rebeccabeth13@gmail.com or message/follow me on tumblr at stateofgraceandlove

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Keeping Count](https://archiveofourown.org/works/687346) by [dislodge263](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dislodge263/pseuds/dislodge263)




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